Key to the Home
Harei at mekudeshes li. Such words; such incredibly powerful words! Which Jewish girl’s heart is not moved by the mere mention of these words, let alone hearing them for real at a chasunah? And when it is her very own chasunah, the power defies description. What girl doesn’t dream, even in her youngest years, about that longed-for day when she will have her very own unique, special moment under the chupah? There is something so sublime about it that it is hard – perhaps impossible – to capture it in words. The excitement, the anticipation; the rush of feeling and sense of fulfillment enveloped in the tangible sense of kedusha. A glorious rainbow of emotions.
Standing at the very root and base of this exquisite symphony of beauty is one word: kedusha. It is the awareness that this is not just about personal fulfillment or something we do because that’s the societal norm and there really is no other choice; rather it is something that carries within it the most sublime purpose and meaning. To forge a true achdus with a husband, to create a dwelling place for the Shechina – to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
It is the deep-seated awareness of the singularly unique and special nature of each Jewish home that is firmly anchored in the innermost chambers of the Bas Yisrael’s consciousness that moves her to such powerful emotion upon hearing those powerful words: harei at mekudeshes li…
Every Jewish woman is acutely aware that her acceptance of that ring on her finger is something big; something very big. It is about cultivating and bringing kedusha into the world. Those deep emotions rushing and swirling in her moment of intense and exquisite joy propel her to forge a profound, indestructible commitment to following through with the charge that her innermost consciousness demands: applying her full, loving energies to this sacred mission of creating the kind of relationship with her husband that will truly serve as a fulfillment of bringing that kedusha into the world.
“But how am I to know if I am going about it in the right way? How will I be sure that the path I set myself on is the one that will achieve the lofty goal that I so intensely desire?”
These are questions that may very well, justifiably arise in your mind when you deeply sense the intensity of your desire to build your very own bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. And the answer to these questions, of course, is baruch sheh’nasan Torah l’amo Yisrael! We are so incredibly blessed that not only does Hashem entrust us with the most privileged of roles, He also gives us clear, straightforward instructions and directions regarding how to successfully and faithfully fulfill those roles with which he has tasked us.
We are doubly blessed that Hashem has provided us with great Chachamim who have clarified, synthesized, organized, and codified those instructions in a manner that makes it extremely accessible and user-friendly for us.
The Rambam[1] provides for us the magic formula, if you will, of the secret to a successful Jewish marriage; the primary means by which the Bas Yisrael can and will succeed in forging that unique, special bond with her husband and thereby bring that kedusha into the world through the construction of their unique bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
A short of word of introduction, though, is important to put forward before we actually set down the quote from the Rambam. If there is one thing about the Rambam that one learns while in yeshiva, it is that one cannot hope to gain a proper understanding of his words with but a cursory, superficial read. The words of the Rambam need to be analyzed carefully and scrutinized in depth to come to a full appreciation for what they are conveying. In fact, it can often require a great deal of “digging” and deep contemplation to reach a complete comprehension of what the Rambam is conveying. He packed as simply stunning amount of depth and breadth into incredibly concise expressions. That is what we are essentially out to accomplish in this first section of the kuntress. To engage in these words of the Rambam. To contemplate these concepts. Weigh them against the various Midrashim and other Torah sources that discuss this topic. Compare, contrast, delve… Until we come to a clear, solid understanding. And, just in case you are wondering, no, this will not be like a Gemara shiur. But it is important to bear in mind that although we’re going to read the words of the Rambam right now, we won’t really reach a full understanding and appreciation of what they mean until we get to the end of this part of the kuntress. So, hang in there. You might find part of the ride a bit bumpy, but, in the end, you will look back and see that it was a very worthwhile and helpful.
After outlining the appropriate formula, responsibilities, and obligations of the Jewish husband, the Rambam endows the following critical message to Jewish women: “And so too did the Chachamim provide instruction that a woman should exceedingly honor her husband, and that his awe should be upon her, and she should carry out all of her actions by his word, and he should be in her eyes like a chieftain or king [who] goes about according to the desire of his heart, and she distances all that he dislikes, and this is the way of Bnos Yisrael…who are sanctified and pure…and through these ways will their dwelling (with one another) be beautiful and praiseworthy”.
The overarching theme that clearly emerges from the words of the Rambam is that the fundamental and primary element with which a Bas Yisrael is empowered to achieve her heart’s greatest desire is the tremendous esteem and respect that she cultivates and maintains for her husband. This is the foundation upon which everything is built.
This is good news, seeing that it comes quite naturally for a woman to look up to and adore her husband. Nevertheless, there is nothing automatic-pilot-like about marriage. Despite a woman’s strong predisposition to have great respect for her husband, there are many situations throughout marriage that will challenge this instinct.
Every time a woman feels a bit ruffled (or perhaps more than a bit ruffled) and nevertheless keeps her words, tone, and facial expressions respectful – she is laying the bricks of the magnificent edifice called the Jewish Home. And those bricks aren’t made out of dust, they’re made out of gold – pure gold!
Understanding Nature
Now for a curveball. The Gemara tells us an eye-opening story about a woman named Yalta. Yalta was a very, very chashuveh woman. She was the daughter of the Reish Galusah[2] (the Reish Galusah possessed king-like authority, power, and stature), and the wife of Rav Nachman who was of the very greatest Amoraim of his generation[3]. In addition to her impressive lineage and family prestige, Yalta herself was heavily involved with communal affairs[4]. So, yes, this was one seriously chashuveh woman.
Now for the story[5]. Rav Nachman was accustomed to the opinion that maintains one should offer one’s wife to drink from the kos shel bracha of bentching. One day, Rav Nachman had an exceedingly illustrious visitor: Ulah. Ulah was one of the undisputed Gedolei Torah of that generation. So much so, that Rav Nachman addressed him with extreme respect. Upon concluding their meal together, Rav Nachman honored his eminent guest to lead the bentching. Ulah happened to be of the opinion that there is no reason whatsoever to offer from the kos shel bracha to the woman of the house. He held that the bracha of the woman is transferred to her via her husband. Being unaware of Rav Nachman’s differing opinion and thus to which Yalta was long-accustomed, Ulah did not leave over any wine from the kos shel bracha for Yalta.
Well, that didn’t go over too well with Yalta. By the time Rav Nachman managed to query Ulah on his divergent custom and the latter provided his scholarly explanation thereof, Yalta realized that she had just been deprived of partaking from the kos shel bracha and she flew into a rage. Literally. She got up, went to the wine cellar, and proceeded to smash 400 (!) jugs of wine.
And that’s not all. When Rav Nachman saw how incredibly upset his wife was, he asked Ulah to send her a different kos in lieu of the original. Ulah did so, accompanying it with the explanation that all of the wine that was on the table during bentching is included in kos shel bracha. Well, if they thought that would pacify her, it didn’t. Her response, although much of the flavor gets lost in translation, was, “From itinerants we get words and from rags we get lice.” Suffice it to say that this is not exactly how we would expect anyone to speak to a Gadol b’Torah, certainly not someone as great and chashuveh as Yalta! And the Gemara does not take her to task over this seemingly highly inappropriate behavior; not even the slightest hint of censure or disapproval!
Now, it goes without saying that whenever the Gemara tells us a story – especially when it is about such great, towering tzaddikim and tzidkaniyos – that it is more likely than not that there are layers upon layers of depth that remain hidden from view except to those that are privy to the special inner chambers of Torah wisdom. Thus, it is perfectly understandable if we regular folks don’t manage to “dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s” in terms of making sense of such stories.
That being said, the stories that were included in the Gemara and Midrashim that were given to the entirety of Klal Yisrael to learn on a regular basis are obviously meant to convey important lessons for us regular people as well. Accordingly, it behooves us to, at the very least, try to get a general sense of what the story is conveying and what its meaning for us is.
So, what exactly happened here? What was this outburst of Yalta all about and why does it go uncensured?
In his magnificent book, Dear Son[6], Rav Eliyahu Goldschmidt zt”l explains that because of their more sensitive emotional nature, women may at times experience such an intense emotional stress that it explodes like a pressure cooker that was left on for just a bit beyond its limited capacity.
That is why, explains Rav Goldschmidt, that in describing Yalta’s fit of rage the Gemara employs the term zihara, which literally means a flash of light, as opposed to the word kaas (anger). Because, really, this was not an anger management issue. Rather this incredibly intense reaction was a light beacon for Rav Nachman to be able to see that there was something weighing upon his wife so heavily that the emotional strain was simply not bearable.
Now, this is obviously not meant as an excuse for any woman who does have anger management issues to be able to poo-poo away her husband’s hurt by simply saying, “What do you want from me? I am a woman, after all, and you hurt my feelings; so that’s what happens!” That is most certainly not the point.
What the point is, is that it is practically inevitable for a woman to have such an outburst from time to time. Yalta was as chashuveh and as great a tzadeikes as they come. Much, much (much, much, much…….) greater than any great Rebbetzin that we may possibly conjure up in our minds. So if it could happen to her, that means it could happen to anyone. Accordingly, if it does happen, a woman shouldn’t beat herself up over it. She was not just nichshal in the aveirah of kaas. Her emotions were simply overwhelmed to the boiling point. She shouldn’t dwell on it and stew in guilt. She should be understanding and accepting of herself and just move on….
[1] Hilchos Ishus 15:20
[2] Tosafos Beitzah 25b
[3] Rosh Bava Kamma 9:5, Terumas HaDeshen 240, Shu”t Bach 71
[4] Ibid.
[5] Brachos 51b
[6] He also has one for women called Dear Daughter. It is highly recommended reading.
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The Gadol’s Perspective
Rav Chisdah was one of the very greatest Amoraim of his generation, if not the single greatest[1]. That piece of information makes the following fascinating Gemara[2] that much more so.
Rav Hunah told his son Rabah, “Why don’t you learn by Rav Chisdah whose shiurim are so sharp and clear?” Answered Rabah, “Why should I go to him, seeing that whenever I have done so he always involves me in mundane matters. For example, he says to me, when relieving oneself in the bathroom, one should not hurry to sit down in a forceful manner, and also one should not push too hard. The reason for this is that the end of the intestine sits on three ‘teeth’[3], and if one is too forceful the ‘teeth’ can become disconnected which is dangerous.” To this Rav Hunah responded, “He is involved with matters of people’s healthy living, and you call those mundane matters?! All the more so should you go to learn by him!”
By the way, Rav Hunah was the rebbi of Rav Chisdah[4], and Rav Hunah was so incredibly great that he surpassed all of his contemporaries and even some of the Amoraim from the generation preceding his[5]. Not that it really makes a difference which Amora said it (as long as no one else argues), but still, the fact that it was the two absolute greatest Amoraim of their respective generations does add a great deal of oomph to it.
The concept that clearly resounds from this Gemara is that one needs to apply very practical, down-to-earth wisdom in life to get things right. The matter about which Rav Chisdah spoke was of quite a sensitive nature. Furthermore, it addressed points that many people find distasteful to think about, much less talk about. One may have thought that perhaps it is unseemly a topic of discussion amongst great Talmidei Chachamim learning Torah together. Nevertheless, Rav Chisdah deemed it necessary to discuss the issue, and to discuss it in a fully explicit manner. Practical wisdom mandates that even the most sensitive and delicate issues be clearly explicated if that is what is necessary to afford people the benefit of that knowledge.
Fatherly Advice
With this in mind, it is not surprising that Rav Chisdah employed the same outlook about practical, down-to-earth wisdom when providing his daughters with marital guidance. The Gemara in Maseches Shabbos (140b) documents the very delicate details to which Rav Chisda brought their attention. Now, it is entirely possible that some of the practical aspects of the details that Rav Chisda explicated may not be entirely relevant given some of the very different conditions with which we live nowadays; but, it is nevertheless more than worthwhile to analyze his words so as to gain an appreciation and understanding for the underlying precepts that are certainly as relevant now as they were 1,500 years ago. Here is a summary of the points that Rav Chisda made to his daughters:
Make a concerted effort to maintain your modesty.
Avoid situations where you may stuff yourself with food.
Avoid eating things that will give you bad breath.
Avoid eating or drinking things that will give you gas.
Avoid defecating in the same place where your husband defecates so that he shouldn’t see your excrement.
People get quite startled at first when they read this Gemara. After all, these are really delicate issues, and such talk isn’t the usual fare for Gemara topics. The truth is, it gets even more eye-popping, but that part of the story will be discussed in Part Four. But, what we have in front of us is plenty enough as is to digest. And that is really what is needed when it comes to very sensitive issues such as these that we generally prefer to avoid discussing and try to kind of pretend that they don’t exist. We need to give ourselves time to let the words sink in and percolate. To really try to understand what this advice was all about. Because, when it comes down to it, these very sensitive, delicate matters most definitely do exist. People are people, and the human body being a very physical creature does have its less-appealing facets to it. Trying to ignore that reality or just wishfully hoping that whatever we happen to be doing is ok is not necessarily the most helpful way to go.
So let’s follow Rav Chisda’s cue and try to gain a deeper understanding of his words. And we’ll start by asking a very simple question. In as much as the overarching theme of his guidance to his daughters is to not do things that could cause their husbands to feel revolted, why does Rav Chisda seem to be giving special emphasis to this concept specifically within the context of marriage? After all, there is a general rule that one is enjoined to avoid doing things in front of someone else that could cause that person to experience a sense of revulsion (e.g. spitting in front of someone)[6], and this rule applies no matter who that other person is. So why does Rav Chisdah seem to make such a big deal about this matter in the specific, marital guidance that he provided his daughters?
The inescapable conclusion is that there must be a fundamental difference between the general admonition against causing someone to feel revulsion and what Rav Chisda was conveying to his daughters. So what is it? What is this completely different angle that is unique to shalom bayis that Rav Chisda was emphasizing?
A recurring concept that we find in various places in Shas is the tremendous importance of a strong sense of endearment and affection between husband and wife. That “charming and delightful” should be the overarching theme and, to the maximum degree possible, the ever-present sense that permeates their marriage. Chazal viewed this idea with so much importance that they took it heavily into account as one of the primary deciding factors in the legislation of numerous key halachos.
The truth is that when you really think deeply into it, it becomes apparent that the way Chazal viewed and formulated this idea is almost radical and revolutionary. Perhaps the example where this is most strongly manifest is the Gemara that says that every relationship is in danger of becoming stale and boring, and it is the halachos of taharas ha’mishpacha that ensure that every single time a woman comes home from the mikvah it recreates the passion and excitement that they experienced on their very first night together.
As frum Jews, we’re used to hearing this idea. It’s perhaps one of the more well-known statements of Chazal in the context of shalom bayis. But it’s worthwhile to stop for a moment and think about the implications of that statement. It is actually no less than astounding! To recreate the passion and excitement of their very first night together?! The night that they got married?! Seriously?! Come on, let’s be real! Life is what it is, people are what they are. Habit takes over. People get into ruts. Often, behaviors and modes of conduct that are, shall we say, not exactly the greatest or most helpful become deeply ingrained… Who are we fooling over here? Can we really expect every couple that has been married for 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 (…) years to be like a fresh new chassan and kallah on their wedding night?
Well, apparently, yes. Not that it will come on its own. And not that it is even easy. But it is possible. The potential for constant refreshment and reinvigoration of the marital relationship exists. And in the eyes of Chazal, it is not some ivory-tower-in-the-sky theoretical concept. It is a real goal that is eminently achievable. It is a real goal that a couple can and should make a part of what they work on throughout their lives to foster and cultivate. And, of course, it is not an all-or-nothing proposal. The main point that we come to realize from this incredibly novel way that Chazal view the marriage relationship is that it is not meant to be an auto-pilot system that naturally wears and withers with time and kind of just runs its course. It is not a vase of flowers that is bright and beautiful when it is first bought but will inevitably wilt and fade with the passage of time. On the contrary, od yenuvun b’seivah, despite the passage of many years and reaching old age together, the sense of chassan-kallah excitement and endearment between a husband and wife is something that can and should be infused into the relationship in an ongoing way.
Applying Rav Chisda’s lesson to some contemporary examples, when you make the effort that your husband shouldn’t see the unsightly froth-stream of toothpaste-saliva-and-sometimes-blood oozing out of your mouth when you brush your teeth, or excuse yourself to use the bathroom without mentioning that that is where you’re going[7], or make the effort to use a bathroom that is out of his earshot whenever possible[8], or make sure to brush the toilet bowl clean and light a match or spray some air freshener to neutralize the residual odor[9], you are doing much, much more than the general mitzvah – important as it is – of avoiding causing another person to feel revulsion.
In fact, one could possibly argue that within the context of shared day-to-day living, details such as these may not even fall under the category of avoiding causing someone to feel revulsion since it is only understandable that within such a context such things can be inevitable.
And that is precisely the point.
That is precisely the profoundly novel perspective that Chazal are conveying. That marriage is not something that must, by its nature, slip into a rut of “day-to-day living”. That marriage in the Jewish context is an enterprise of kedusha and achieving the highest levels of human achievement, and, as such, contains within it the potential to transcend the mundanity of routine life. So attending to such details is not just the mitzvah of avoiding causing others revulsion. It is so much more. Because in the context of marriage, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s not just an added dimension, it’s an entirely different dimension. A dimension of being able to maintain, strengthen, and reignite the excitement and endearment in your relationship that is your rightful possession. Of building and expanding your private kodesh kadashim and bringing the presence of the Shechinah into your shared lives and home. It is the brachah of gilah rinah ditzah v’chedvah that was bestowed upon you when you stood under the chupah together to be yours not only during sheva brachos and shanah rishonah, but throughout your entire married life.
There is another facet to the almost startling depth of perception that Chazal afforded us by conveying the specific points that Rav Chisda told his daughters. Generally, we think that big things require commensurate big investments of effort. If someone wants to become a doctor…
[1] כן מוכח ממש”כ הרא”ש בב”ק ה:ה דרב חסדא היה גדול מרבה, והרי רבה היה עוקר הרים וריש מתיבתא כדאיתא בשילהי מסכת ברכות. ועיין עוד בראבי”ה סי’ תתקמ”ח שכתב להדיא שרב חסדא היה גדול הדור.
[2] שבת פב.
[3] This might be a reference to the anal sinuses and/or columns.
[4] ר”ן סנהדרין כג. ד”ה רב פפא
[5] תוס’ מנחות לו. ד”ה אמר רבה ורא”ש ב”מ ד:ו
[6] חגיגה ה. “כי את כל מעשה האלקים יביא במשפט על כל נעלם…מאי על כל נעלם אמר רב זה ההורג כינה בפני חברו ונמאס בה ושמואל אמר זה הרק בפני חברו ונמאס.”
[7] If a husband inquisitively asks, “Where are you going?”, a woman is permitted to say something like, “Oh, just to check on the laundry.” This type of white lie is permissible since its purpose is within the context of maintaining/enhancing of shalom bayis. See Maseches Yevamos 65b.
[8] Interestingly enough, although it is generally prohibited to delay using the bathroom (because of the prohibition of bal teshaktzu), Rav Yehuda Chezner shlita (a posek in Ofakim) ruled that a woman is permitted to delay, so long as it is within reason and does not become a regular occurrence that could pose a danger to her health, if her reason for doing so is to avoid her husband hearing (or smelling) her activity in the bathroom. The reason for this is that it is included in the exception of kavod ha’briyos as delineated by the Mishnah Brurah 3:31.
[9] As an aside, if one uses a colored fragrance dispenser that sits on the toilet bowl (which releases a fragrant, soapy substance every time the toilet is flushed), it is best use a light-colored one so as to avoid any question of chillul Shabbos since the dark colored ones color the water in a way that may fall under the prohibition of dying.
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…The women did not lose it. They did not panic. They did not become gripped with arresting fear. Not when Moshe didn’t come back down as expected, and not when the meraglim came back with an apparently terrifying report. They had bitachon, and it was ironclad. Immutable and immovable.
The pasuk says that Klal Yisrael went ‘chamushim’ out of Mitzrayim. The Midrash says that this means echad mei’chameish, that only one fifth of the Jews actually left. The rest died during the plague of darkness. And why? Because they didn’t want to leave.
Now, what is that supposed to mean that they didn’t want to leave? Who in his right mind would not want to leave a life of slavery and torture for a life of freedom and tranquility?!
It would seem that what Chazal mean when they say that those four-fifths didn’t want to leave, is that they didn’t have the will to leave. Of course they would have been more than happy to leave! But you can’t leave if you don’t have the will to leave. If someone loses the will to survive, then he won’t survive. To be redeemed, you have to have the will to be redeemed. You have to want to be redeemed. And to have the will and the want to be redeemed, you have to believe and know that redemption is possible. Not only that it’s possible, but that it will happen. It is going to come. Because Hashem promised, and Hashem never breaks a promise.
That is the unbreakable bitachon of the Jewish Women. It is that unbreakable bitachon which was the zechus that brought us to redemption from our original state of galus, and it is that unbreakable bitachon which is the zechus that is going to propel us to our ultimate, final redemption.
So, why, then, did Chazal see fit to express this incredibly profound point of bitachon in terms of what the women did to arouse their husbands to intimacy? How is it specifically in that action that Chazal saw the quintessential manifestation of this eternal flame and power of bitachon?
The men in Mitzrayim were like walking zombies. They were breathing their last breaths. It is not just that they were physically exhausted, it is that they had lost their will to survive. They saw their state of being as an absolute dead-end. A black hole with no bottom. The life-force had been completely sucked out and beaten out of them. No vitality. No chiyus.
But the women maintained the spark.
Their flame of vitality did not go out. Through the power of their innate and inextricable bitachon, their spark of life continued to burn brightly. And they shared that spark of life with their husbands. They revived them. They brought the walking dead back to life. They were not just using some cute tactic to find a way around their husbands’ exhaustion. They were using the chein and yofi that is so unique to the Jewish Woman to reignite the spark of life in their husbands. In that chein and yofi their own inextinguishable spark of life, their indomitable chiyus, was manifest in all its glory and power. And it was through that powerful manifestation and vehicle that they breathed life back into their husbands. Not just to technically perpetuate doros, but to breathe back into Klal Yisrael the will to survive. The desire to leave that galus. The knowledge that a much brighter future is not only possible, but will definitely come. Because Hashem promised, and Hashem never breaks His promise.
The special chein and yofi of the Jewish woman, then, is not merely a tool to achieve a particular technical goal. It is so, so much more than that. Its profound depth goes to the very heart of Klal Yisrael’s existence, continuity, and destiny. In it is manifest the unique spark of life that only Jewish Women possess. It is the vehicle through which is manifest the eternal flame of endearment and excitement. Endearment and excitement of Klal Yisrael for Hashem and Hashem for Klal Yisrael. Endearment and excitement of wife for husband and husband for wife. Of chassan and kallah. “Hinach yafah raayasi…hincha yafeh dodi af naim af arseinu raanana, Behold you are beautiful my beloved…behold you are beautiful and pleasant my beloved, and even our bed is refreshed and exciting.”
Finally, one more concluding, cautionary point. Sometimes it is literally not possible to avoid certain “unpleasantries”. For example, some women have no control whatsoever on their vomiting, burping, and so on during pregnancy. At times, a woman may be ill or on bed rest and there is no choice but for the husband to be dealing with the dirty laundry. When a bedika-cloth needs to be brought to a Rav, it is very often the husband that does that. If they are on a long car ride and the husband is just not getting the point when his wife says, “Why don’t we pull over at this rest stop for a few minutes”, then she may have no choice but to say to him, “I really need to use the women’s room!”
In all such situations where it is completely out of one’s control to avoid it, or if an innocent mistake was made here or there (which is also considered out of one’s control – after all, we are human and not angel!) there is no reason to worry that perhaps one’s shalom bayis will be ill-effected.
The Ribbono shel Olam runs the world and if He puts us in a given situation, then that is the absolute best situation for us. He is our loving Father who takes care of us. Our job is to do what we can when we can. Beyond that, it is completely in Hashem’s hands. So, when such situations or mistakes occur, one can rest assured that Hashem will “step in” to make sure that one’s shalom bayis remains fully healthy and vibrant. In fact, when it is out of our hands and Hashem is therefore completely taking care of things for us, that is when we can be the most relaxed and assured that everything will be just right[1]. And, of course, when challenges and difficulties do come up – as they inevitably do – that as well is from our loving Father in Heaven and is there for us to achieve and become what we were put in this world for!
Part Three The Beauty of Beauty
Divine Engineering
It once happened,” begins a fascinating Gemara in Maseches Taanis 23b that describes seemingly confounding behaviors of a great Sage and how he subsequently explained each behavior, “that there was a drought. A pair of sages was sent to Abba Chilkiya, the grandson of Choni Ha’Meageil, to ask him to daven for rain. They went to his home, but he was not there. The two sages went out to the fields and found Abba Chilkiya there engaged in hoeing work. The two sages greeted him, but he did not even so much as look in their direction. Towards evening time, Abba Chilkiya gathered up his wood and hoe and placed them on one shoulder, and he draped his coat over his other shoulder. The whole way, he carried his shoes in his hands, but when he got to puddles that he needed to cross through, he put his shoes on. When he got to thorny bushes, he lifted his clothes.”
Before we continue with this story, a word of caution is in order. If you ask anyone who is experienced at learning Gemara, particularly the aggadeta parts of the Gemara that contain stories and midrashim, he will tell you that what very often happens is that, at first, one can be stunned or even shocked by what he reads. Sometimes it is just a matter of confusion wherein the learner simply does not understand what the Gemara means or the underlying logic behind what is being said. Other times, the learner can experience a confounding sense of, “How can the Gemara say such a thing?! What is this supposed to mean?!” In fact, the Gemara itself says that learning it is akin to groping around in the dark until one finally, after much effort, discovers the light[2]. It is only through patient, thoughtful consideration that one can hope to arrive at a sound understanding of what is being said. So, if you find yourself startled at first by this story, please do keep that in mind. With that, let’s get back to the story.
“When he entered the town, his wife came out to greet him all dressed up and wearing jewelry. When he got to his house, first his wife went in, then he went in, then he allowed the two sages to enter. He sat down to eat, and he did not invite the two sages to join him in his meal. When he distributed pieces of bread to his children, he gave the older son one piece of bread and the younger son two pieces of bread. He whispered to his wife, ‘I know that the sages have come because of the drought. Come, let’s go up to the roof and daven. Perhaps Hashem will accept our prayers and the rain will come, and we will not take any credit for ourselves. They went up to the roof. Abba Chilkiya stood in one corner, and his wife stood in the opposite corner. When the storm clouds came, they first came from the side that his wife was standing. When they came back down, Abba Chilkiya finally addressed the two sages and said, “Why have the rabbis come?” They responded, “The sages sent us to ask you to daven for rain.” Abba Chilkiya responded, “Blessed is the Omnipresent one that He did not make you need Abba Chilkiya!” The two sages responded, “We know very well that the rain came because of you. But, please, can you explain to us all of the things about your behavior that we find confounding?”
The two sages proceeded to ask about every one of the things mentioned above, but, for our purposes here, we will zoom in on just one. “When you arrived in the town, why did your wife come out to greet you all dressed up and wearing jewelry?” Abba Chilkiya answered them simply, “So that I shouldn’t put my eyes upon any other woman.”
Wow. Just wow. Right? I mean, the Gemara makes it clear that we’re talking about one of the absolute greatest tzaddikim of the time-period of the Tannaim (!), and his wife always makes sure to go out and greet him all dolled up so that he shouldn’t look at other women? What gives?
Perhaps we can get a clue as to how to understand this from yet another story in Maseches Taanis, this time from daf 20b. “Rabi Elazar the son of Rabi Shimon was returning from the yeshiva that he attended in Migdal Gedor; and he was pleasantly riding on a donkey along the riverbank. He was extremely joyous and was feeling even a bit self-important for he had learned so much Torah. A man who was exceedingly ugly happened his way and greeted him, ‘Shalom aleichem Rebbi!’ But Rabi Elazar did not return the greeting. Rather he retorted with, ‘Empty one! How ugly that man is, perhaps all the people of your city are ugly like you[3]?!’ The man answered, ‘I do not know; but go and tell the Artisan who made me, ‘How ugly is this vessel that You made!’ When Rabi Elazar realized that he had sinned, he alighted from the donkey and prostrated before the man and said to him, ‘I submit myself to you. Forgive me.’ The man answered, ‘I do not forgive you until you go to the Artisan who made me and say to Him, ‘How ugly is this vessel that You made!’”
The Gemara proceeds to describe how eventually, at the behest of his fellow townsmen, the man did forgive Rabi Elazar, and how the latter learned a very important lesson from this episode about always maintaining a humble, soft demeanor. Tosafos even quotes Maseches Derech Eretz that the ugly man who encountered Rabi Elazar was actually Eliyahu Ha’navi in disguise, and that he intentionally put Rabi Elazar through that ordeal in order that he would learn this invaluable lesson.
So, what does this story of Rabi Elazar and the ugly man have to do with the story of Abba Chilkiya and his wife? Before we answer that question, though, let’s ask a different question. Why specifically an ugly man? Why not a very smelly man or any other potentially offensive characteristic? To answer both of these questions, we need to take a look at one more story recorded in Maseches Taanis. This time from daf 7a….
[1] There is an important thought to bear in mind which is mentioned elsewhere in this kuntress and bears mentioning in this context as well. A woman serving as primary bread-winner in addition to her roles of wife, mother, and homemaker is not a natural situation. The Torah, and in particular the kesubah, makes it perfectly clear that, inherently, the burden of bread-winner belongs to the husband. In our times, it is very common amongst bnei Torah for women to voluntarily accept this additional burden in order to enable her husband to dedicate himself to learning Torah. It is important to recognize, though, that, although it is a very commendable endeavor, it is fundamentally ambitious in its idealism. The fact is that in previous generations this practice was not widespread at all and was generally found only amongst a select few. In general, even destitute Kollel families of our modern era are far better off than many of the working Jews living in pre-war Russia, Poland, and Lithuania. It was simply impossible for the Jews of previous generations to do what we are doing today. The incredible wealth that Hashem has poured into the world in the modern era has a lot to do with the fact that our current widespread practice has evolved as such. Inherently, though, it is not a natural situation. Therefore, it is a situation that, despite the aforementioned influx of tremendous wealth, many people will not find to be realistically sustainable in the long run.
Do not misunderstand this. The Kollel system is truly magnificent, and Klal Yisrael’s continued existence (yes, existence!) is to a great extent only because of the fact that we have the Kollel system. Nevertheless, each individual must assess his or her own situation from an objective point of view in order to determine what is the appropriate course and direction for them to take given their individual, personal situation. Coming back, just as this unnatural, albeit wonderful, situation may not be sustainable for many individuals long-term because of that unnatural characteristic, so too is it entirely possible that for many people it will not prove feasible to maintain all the roles properly at the same time. A woman may possibly discover that it is simply too much for her to juggle being a wife, mother, homemaker, and primary bread-winner all in one. Something might have to give.
Certain things, as stated elsewhere in the kuntress, are absolutely non-negotiable. Others, though, may be open for consideration. The topic of this section of the kuntress, namely a woman taking the time and effort to maintain her beauty and refinement for her husband, may be just one such point. Although avoiding those things that can be unpleasant generally do not take up any extra time or effort (once a woman has accustomed herself thereto), maintaining the positive appearance of chein and yofi can take up quite a bit of time and energy. And a woman may frustratingly discover that she just cannot manage to find the time for it or the reserves of energy to do it. Her extra, voluntary responsibility of acting as chief breadwinner may force her and her husband to settle for a much simpler, less-attractive look. It must be emphasized that this is not necessarily so, and many women may indeed find that with a bit of extra, manageable exertion and perhaps ingenuity they can in fact balance everything.
But it is very possible that many women will not be able to manage it. In that case, husband and wife must be completely honest with themselves and each other in determining whether or not it is a sacrifice that they ought to be making. If they both are truly ok with it and feel happy and content with the situation, then it is a very commendable sacrifice. But, if either one of them is experiencing a negative feeling about the situation, then they may need to take under consideration if it is time to make some structural changes to their situation.
Shalom bayis is the premier consideration of a family, and although full-time Torah learning is extremely, extremely valuable, even it cannot come at the expense of shalom bayis. Of course, as in all major decisions, if such a question arises, one really ought to involve daas Torah despite the initial reluctance to do so in so personal a matter.
[2] Sanhedrin 24a.
[3] The mefarshim have various explanations as to how a person as great as Rabi Elazar could say such a thing.
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…Now, it is important to recognize that this biological engineering regarding female attractiveness is not one sided. It is not only men who have this innate need to find their wives attractive. Women, as well, equally feel a need to be attractive in their husband’s eyes. Women themselves declare this reality most emphatically, albeit in action rather than word. Men, in general, do not spend all that much time in front of the mirror. Women are naturally much more concerned with their aesthetic appearance than men are. Just think about how much time – even the simplest and least showy amongst them – women spend on making sure they look good. From hair to clothes, to makeup, women are clearly very concerned with their appearance in stark disproportion to men.
Now, does the yetzer hara sometimes get the better of this feminine proclivity towards displaying attractiveness and trick women into directing it to situations and people to whom it should not be directed? Sure. We’re all human after all. Just like men are always at risk of having their innate draw to female attractiveness be taken advantage of by the yetzer hara for that which they should not be looking at, so too are women at risk of having their innate draw to displaying their female attractiveness be taken advantage of by the yetzer hara. We therefore readily understand the critical necessity of all the mitzvos and halachos that govern this very powerful part of our human nature. But what is clear is that the actual purpose of the specifically engineered parallelism of the male draw to female attractiveness and the female draw to displaying attractiveness is in order to prompt, facilitate, and maintain a marital union.
Of course, when a little girl wants to look pretty, she very likely is not having any conscious thoughts, “Oh, one day I will find a boy who will love the way I look…”. In all likelihood, even many older teenagers do not realize that the essential driver underlying their desire and pursuit of looking attractive is so as to one day connect with a young man who will find her attractive and become her chassan and subsequently her husband[1]. No different from a teenage boy who is in all likelihood completely unaware that the force that pulls him towards wanting to look at female attractiveness has been put into him so that he will one day unite in marriage with someone that he finds attractive. But, clearly, that is what it is, on both sides of the gender divide, whether they are aware of it or not. Hashem specifically engineered men so that they will be drawn to female attractiveness and women that they will be drawn to displaying attractiveness so as to facilitate the very lofty purpose of marriage. And our job is to do our best to utilize this force for this sacred purpose for which it is meant, both in terms of initially bonding with a spouse as well as cultivating and maintaining that bond throughout the marriage[2].
Now, of course physical attraction is but one component of a successful marriage bond. There are many other extremely important components such as shared goals, respect and esteem, emotional connection, trust, positive communication, and so on and so forth.
Full stop.
I need to take this opportunity to repeat what I wrote in the introduction to this kuntress. This kuntress is not in any way shape or form meant to be a comprehensive work on shalom bayis. If this kuntress is the only thing you use for learning about shalom bayis, you may be left woefully lacking. Not only that, but you may also come out with an unbalanced sense of even those topics and points that are addressed in this kuntress. The current topic of physical attraction is a great example. If the only thing you use for educating yourself about marriage is this kuntress, you could come away with a terribly inflated and overblown sense of the matter. You could wind up becoming way too preoccupied with clothes, makeup, beauty treatments, and so on. In short, you could wind up placing way too much emphasis on the issue of looks and wind up spending an entirely disproportionate amount of time and energy on it. And that would be a big mistake. So, please, please do not for one moment forget that this kuntress was never intended to be anything more than a supplement for the overall topic of shalom bayis. I wrote the kuntress because after reading a lot and speaking to a lot of people, it became clear that certain topics were just not being talked about enough, let alone written about. And I get it. These are uber-sensitive topics and it’s a lot easier to just not touch them at all then to take the chance that you are going to offend people or perhaps give them wrongheaded ideas. But I felt that it needed to be done, so here it is. But I cannot emphasize enough that this kuntress is nothing more than a supplement, and as such must be taken in that way. Everything written in this kuntress needs to be understood within the overall context of the great tapestry of shalom bayis so that each topic and point sits with its appropriate measure and balance.
That said, we can now continue…
At first glance, it would seem that the attraction component is but a shallow, technical – albeit necessary – detail that really has nothing to do with the real depth of the marital bond. But is that really the case? Of course, even if it were, we could embrace it and do our best to cultivate and maintain it with the knowledge that we are acting in full accordance with Hashem’s divine engineering and plan. But the truth is that male attentiveness to female attractiveness and the female draw to being and feeling attractive is not a shallow, technical detail disconnected and disjointed from the depth of the emotional and spiritual marriage connection; rather, it is inextricably bound up with the depth of that bond and exists with it on one contiguous continuum of connection.
The most basic indication that this is so can be seen through Shir HaShirim. As the mefarshim all clearly explicate, all the romantic lines in Shir HaShirim are expressions of the depth of love between Hashem and the Jewish People. And what do we find in Shir HaShirim? Well, here is a sampling:
“Behold, you are beautiful my beloved…your eyes are like doves…show me your looks, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your looks are beautiful…your hair is like a flock of goats descending Mount Gilad. Your teeth are perfect like the fine wool of sheep that have been guarded and washed and are all perfectly lined up and have no blemish in them. Your lips are like scarlet threads…your forehead is like a slice of pomegranate…Like the tower of David is your neck…Your two breasts are like the doe’s twin offspring that graze amongst the roses.”
As could be expected, the translation does not at all do it justice. So much of the poetic and romantic flavor is lost in the translation. But the point should nevertheless be abundantly clear. Obviously, if the romantic expressions of a man’s intense attraction to the physical beauty that he perceives in the woman that he loves are being used as the vehicle for conveying the depth of love between Hashem and the Jewish People – a depth that Rabi Akiva called kodesh kadashim[3] and would move him to cry copious tears when he would read it[4]! – then it cannot be that the male draw to female attractiveness and the female draw to being and feeling attractive is nothing more than a shallow, technical detail disjointed from the real depth and meaningfulness of the relationship[5]. Were that all there was to it, there is no way that it could serve as the vehicle for expressing the intense depth of infinite, eternal love between Hashem and the Jewish People. Clearly, then, the component of external attraction is indeed bound up with the full depth of the marital bond and exists with it on one contiguous continuum of connection[6].
However, before we attempt to begin building an understanding of how that is so, we need to first address a question that, for some women, can be a source of gnawing, if perhaps repressed or quasi-repressed, doubt, particularly given the almost obsessive hyper-focus on body image (or, perhaps better put, a particular type of body image) of contemporary Western culture by which we are surrounded and inevitably influenced. That question is: “Maybe I am not pretty enough…?”…
[1] In fact, it would seem that the female need to feel attractive and beautiful grows by leaps and bounds when she reaches the stage of dating, engagement, and marriage. A thought experiment that seems to point in this direction is this: What would a woman’s reaction be if she bought a new dress for Yomtov and asked someone, “Do you think I look good in my new dress?”, and that someone would answer, “Oh, these things are absolutely meaningless to me. I couldn’t care less if you look like an ape or like the prettiest thing in the world. The only thing that I see is character and personality. Looks mean absolutely zero to me!” Now what if that someone is the woman’s sister, friend, or neighbor? Or perhaps father or brother? How would she feel about such a reaction? Probably a mixed bag, right? A little bit of admiration with quite a dollop of disappointment and frustration, right? But what if that someone is her chassan or husband? Then how would she feel? And what if that someone was her husband and he took it one step further and said, “Look, physical attraction did not play any role in my decision to marry you. Don’t ask me what I think about your looks because you won’t like the answer. But, trust me, it does not matter one bit. I love you with all my heart and soul because of who you are inside.” How would that sit with her? It would seem that most women would not be able to make peace with such a situation, and that’s probably putting it mildly. So, it does seem that the feminine need to present attractiveness and feel attractive and beautiful indeed increases tremendously once she is within a relationship. Of course, the yetzer hara has his ways of wreaking havoc with everything and driving people to even ignore their own needs and/or the needs of their spouse or to indulge in some sort of cognitive dissonance wherein a person fools herself (or himself) into thinking that the need is in fact being met while, in reality, s/he is neglecting to undertake the ongoing effort that is necessary to meet that need; but the need, it seems quite clear, is definitely there. Strong and sharp.
In fact, we find that Chazal – whose levels of kedusha and taharah are literally unfathomable to us – lent significant emphasis to enabling and ensuring that a woman be able to look attractive and pleasing in the eyes of her husband. There are numerous halachos throughout the Gemara that make this abundantly clear. For example, the Gemara in Maseches Shabbos says that, although, there is a general injunction against women leaving their homes while wearing jewelry (in a place that does not have an eiruv) lest they come to remove the jewelry and carry it four amos in the public domain, some exceptions are made to afford a woman the ability to maintain an attractive appearance for her husband. The Gemara there elaborates that this idea is in consonance with the teaching of Rabi Akiva. Some of the earlier Chachamim had held that we learn from the words v’hadavah b’nidasah that while a woman is a niddah she must not use makeup and must not wear attractive clothing. However, Rabi Akiva argued on this and said that we cannot allow a situation where a woman is not able to maintain an attractive appearance for her husband. And the halacha is concluded in accordance with Rabi Akiva’s opinion.
(Side note for the uber-scholarly: Although there are mefarshim that seem to imply that the highest level to which a woman can aspire [regarding this subject] is to completely divest herself of any interest in her physical beauty whatsoever [see Ibn Ezra and Ramban on Vayakheil 38:8]; from the numerous sources quoted in this chapter and the next chapter, it emerges that this is clearly a distinctly minority opinion. Furthermore, the Gemara in Maseches Bava Kama 82b explicitly says that Ezra made a specific takanah that peddlers must circulate through all the cities so that all women should be able to purchase makeup and jewelry so that they should be able to maintain an attractive appearance for their husbands. Clearly, the bottom line of this plethora of sources is that halacha accords tremendous significance to the female need to be attractive for her husband and the male need for perceiving his wife as attractive. A possible approach to reconciling the apparent difficulty on the Ibn Ezra’s comment from all these sources is that the Ibn Ezra is referring to a situation in which both the wife and the husband are possessed of personalities that starkly differ from the norm regarding male-female attraction and attractiveness such that looks can become truly meaningless to them both. In fact, according to some opinions, this phenomenon may have occurred with Avraham Avinu and Sarah Imeinu [see Rashi on Lech Lecha 12:11], and perhaps the Dor-Deiah was possessed of a similar characteristic. However, even if this way of understanding is valid, it would constitute an exceedingly rare phenomenon that is entirely irrelevant as far as the halacha-l’maaseh for the overwhelming majority of people is concerned. And it should be made abundantly clear: this halacha-l’maaseh is the lechatchila, and not in any way shape or form some sort of bedieved. Furthermore, it is also possible that what the Ibn Ezra meant is not that those great women of the Dor Deiah ceased beautifying themselves, but that they divested themselves of the self-centered motivation of feminine focus on self-beautification so that their involvement with self-beautification reached a level of one hundred percent l’sheim Shamayim. Granted, this latter approach is a bit of a stretch in his words, but it would bring what he says much closer to all the sources in Chazal and would thus greatly lessen the question on him.)
[2] That the female need for looking and feeling attractive to her husband continues throughout life is clear from the Gemara in Maseches Moed Katan 9b. There it says that Rav Chisda’s wife would do beauty treatments on Chol HaMoed even when she had reached the age that she had married children. One of the other Sages somehow found out about this (perhaps from his wife) and asked Rav Chisda, “Aren’t the dispensations for women to do beauty treatments on Chol HaMoed only for young women?!” Rav Chisda reacted very sharply to that Sage’s assertion. “By God! That dispensation is relevant and applicable even to your mother, even to your grandmother, and even for a woman who is ‘standing before her grave’! As the saying goes, ‘A sixty-year-old woman is like a six-year-old girl who runs when she hears the sound of music being played at a wedding’.” In other words, their youthful exuberance and need to feel attractive never wanes.
[3] Yadayim 3:5
[4] Mishnah Berurah 288:4
[5] See Yevamos 63b, “If the pasuk is talking about Torah, then this shows how great a good wife is that that is the metaphor that was chosen to represent the Torah!”
[6] See also the commentary of the Gra on Megillas Esther 2:7 where he explains that the physical beauty of Esther is an external expression and manifestation of her inner beauty of mitzvos, refined middos, and benevolent heart.
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Another full stop. This is a tough topic. Whereas some women may be able to take it in stride, other women may find it very difficult to entertain the thought that her husband may be drawn towards looking at other women. So, a word of caution is in order. Don’t let yourself get neurotic about this.
Now, you may be thinking, “Oh, thanks a lot! Here you go on and on scaring the bejabbers out of me, and then you tell me not to get neurotic about it?!”
It’s a very valid point, and I think we can borrow from the field of child sexual abuse prevention (a topic about which I’ve written extensively) to address it. The prospect of a child being sexually abused is just about one of the single greatest fears a parent can have. Raising awareness, then, naturally carries with it the danger that parents may become “traumatically aware”. A parent can become so worried about the prospect of her child being abused that she becomes neurotic about it.
The way this concern is generally addressed is to encourage people to think about abuse prevention as they would any other safety topic. Fire safety. Water safety. Road safety. Of course, there are people who are neurotic about some of those things as well; but, for the most part, people are pretty good at nuance, compartmentalization, and understanding things within their appropriate context and proportions.
We recognize that, for the most part, the world is a safe place and is not going to come crashing down on us; but, at the same time, living life does inherently entail a certain degree of risk. Having gas and electrical appliances in the home inherently entails a degree of risk that there could be a gas leak or a fire. Driving in a car entails a degree of risk that there could be an accident. Going swimming entails a risk that someone could drown. Even crossing the street or just walking down the sidewalk entails risk. There are dangers, and we do our best to mitigate the risks of those dangers by employing reasonable safety precautions. We purchase appliances from reputable stores and companies that have likely passed a series of checks to ensure their safety. We have smoke detectors. We wear seatbelts and drive in a safe way. We don’t let three-year-olds swim without appropriate supervision. And so on and so forth.
It’s about balance.
On the one hand, if a person were to be surrounded by flames and smoke and think, “Nothing to notice here,” that would not be good at all. On the other hand, if a person were to be in a state of neurosis where their nose is playing tricks on them and they are constantly running from room to room to make sure that a fire didn’t just break out, that also is no good.
What we want is balance. That a person will go about living her life, calmly and confidently, while being aware that, yes, there are dangers, and will thus employ responsible measures to mitigate the risk of those dangers. That she will know what the warning signs of those dangers are, and know what to do in the event that such warning signs appear.
Using the fire safety example again, we want people to go about their lives calmly and confidently without constantly worrying that maybe there’s a fire somewhere. At the same time, the individual will have a home that takes into account risk mitigation with things like smoke detectors and emergency exits; and that the person has the knowledge and awareness of what to do in the event that a fire does break out or how to act if there is a warning sign of a fire, such as smoke.
So, try to think about this “shalom bayis danger” in the same way. For everything good that exists in this world, there exists some degree of danger that that good thing could get ruined. Someone in good health could fall ill. A beautiful new car could get scratched, or worse. An antique crystal vase could break and fall. Money can get stolen. That’s just the way this world is. And that’s ok. We understand that Hashem set up the world in this way for us with a purpose, irrespective of whether or not we understand that purpose at any particular point or juncture; and that, indeed, a not insignificant part of our avodah in this world is risk mitigation. Doing our part to guard our health, our money… And, of course, our shalom bayis. So, when we think about “shalom bayis safety”, we should think about it the way we do any other type of safety issue. Understanding it in its appropriate context and proportions, and not blowing it out of proportion and becoming neurotic about it. Knowing that there is a Ribbono shel Olam who runs the world, and our job is simply to do our best. To do our part in cultivating and maintaining the health and stability of all the wonderful things in our lives, while, at the same time, recognizing that the bottom-line outcome is in Hashem’s hands.
One last point to bear in mind in this context is that, more often than not, people who see it as their job to bring people’s attention to safety matters are those who have a lopsided exposure to what goes on in the world. For example, a doctor who works in the ER may emphatically insist, “Lollipops are deadly! You have no idea how many children are brought to the ER every year because they choked on a lollipop!” Of course, what the good doctor is not seeing is the myriad children who successfully consume lollipops without a hitch. It’s not as though every successful lollipop-sucking kid passes by the ER when he’s done and says, “Hey, doc, I just wanted to let you know that I ate a lollipop, and I did not choke!”
The same can be true with any danger. People who exhort about car safety are often the ones who see the horrific outcomes of accidents. People who exhort about fire safety are often firemen. People who exhort about mental health are often psychologists and psychiatrists. People who exhort about children’s personal safety are often advocates or therapists. And so on and so forth. They are the ones seeing all the bad stuff that is out there, so, naturally, they are very attuned to how dangerous the danger really is. They are the ones who fully understand why risk mitigation and preventative measures are so, so important. Accordingly, only a fool would ignore their warnings.
At the same time, though, it is important to recognize that the experiences that the safety exhorters see and hear about all the time do not accurately represent the overall reality of the human experience. The experiences conveyed by the safety exhorters tend to paint a picture of damages, disasters, and deaths that happen far more frequently than these tragic outcomes actually do. And this is true about shalom bayis dangers no different than it is true about any danger. Those that exhort about these things are often the ones who are seeing the troubled or broken marriages, so their overall perceptions and exhortations can tend to skew towards a “doomsday prediction” flavor and character, whereas, in reality, in the overwhelming majority of cases that “doomsday prediction” will never manifest.
It is possible that it needs to be this way, that the safety exhorters automatically wind up exaggerating the true degree of the danger. Again, not that they are deliberately trying to exaggerate, but simply because their whole sense of things is constructed by their experiences which includes far more than the average of negative outcomes since they are the ones who are always “in the trenches” responding to those negative outcomes and trying to deal with them. They are the ones putting out all the fires. Firefighters, literally. Doctors, lawyers, psychiatrists, therapists, etc. figuratively. So their sense of things is exaggerated by definition, not by their own deliberate design. And perhaps that serves an important purpose to balance out the dangerous complacency that most people would tend to have as a result of almost never experiencing any of those negative outcomes. The overall sense of things of someone who is not a firefighter (using the fire safety example again as our prototype) is inherently exaggerated towards the sense that there really is nothing to worry about. His sense of things is far less than the average of how often fires occur. So, when he hears from a firefighter whose sense of things is skewed towards exaggeration of the scope of the danger, the sum-total sense of things will hopefully turn out to be a balanced, realistic sense of the true scope of the danger. Enough hishtadlus, but not too much. A basic and thorough awareness of safety concerns, yes, but, neurosis, no.
With that, let’s continue…
Nowadays, that danger can lurk inside the house as well. Even an internet that is filtered and equipped with a reporting system will almost never avoid all inappropriate images[1]. From time to time, it is practically inevitable that a man will be exposed to images that can arouse his yeitzer hara, and the wise woman will want to do everything she can to strengthen him from falling prey to these snares. Both for the sake of helping him by being his protective wall, as well as for the sake of her shalom bayis[2].
Of course, all this does not mean that it is primarily the wife’s responsibility to ensure that her husband does not stumble in the sins of forbidden gazing, thoughts, etc. And when she is a nidah she is not allowed to dress up too much for him, just enough to look nice. And, of course, following childbirth, husband is “on his own” for a good six weeks or so. Obviously, the point here is not to put the burden of a husband’s ruchniyus on his wife. It is most definitely his responsibility to tame his animalistic side and control his eyes, thoughts, and body. Nevertheless, the point being made here is that a wise woman will recognize the power that she wields to assist in easing the severity of her husband’s nisyonos where and whenever possible, and she will thus act accordingly.
Now, perhaps you consider yourself a simple type of girl who has never been into makeup, jewelry, and dressing smart. That may have been fine as a single girl[3], but part of getting married is learning to adjust to the demands of this new situation.
Boys are notorious for their last-minute Shabbos plans. It is so common for boys to call people up on Thursday night, Friday morning, or sometimes even Friday afternoon regarding Shabbos plans. It’s incredibly inconsiderate. Not all boys, but many. They seem to love their independence to the point of being able to go wherever they feel like on a whim, and, in general, making “turning-on-a-dime” decisions. When a man gets married, though, he better realize that he’s going to have learn some consideration and that real life requires a bit more forethought and planning. Otherwise, he’s going to fall very short of his responsibilities in life, and the fallout can be significant. Can it be a challenge? Definitely. For some men, it can be extremely challenging. But that’s part of life. Recognizing the demands of your new situation and adjusting accordingly…
[1] The strongest filter that I am aware of is Netfree (and for smartphones, Hadran). It is highly recommended if feasible.
[2] It is usually counterproductive for a woman to say anything to her husband about this topic. The best, and usually the only thing that she can and ought to do is to simply do her part by putting forth her best effort to consistently maintain an attractive appearance for him. It would seem that this is also true even if a man has fallen into extremely negative viewing behaviors. But in such a situation, it is very important to reach out to get expert advice, in particular if there is “off-screen” inappropriate behavior going on. Ideally, someone struggling with inappropriate behaviors – particularly if they are “off-screen” behaviors – would reach out for expert help himself, or herself if that is the case, and would do so way before it becomes entrenched. But that unfortunately does not always happen, and if spouse discovers that his/her spouse is engaged in inappropriate behaviors that s/he feels directly impact the marriage relationship, then it is crucial to reach out for expert help and guidance as soon as possible.
[3] Also, as a married woman, when you are in public and not with your husband, that is a great way to go.
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Kedusha v’Simcha
The very first thing that one needs to know about marital intimacy is that it is not a necessary evil. It is not something tamei that we have no choice but to do. On the contrary, it is actually the most kadosh thing in the world. This unification between husband and wife is literally Kodesh Kodashim[1] and brings down the presence of the Shechina[2].
Also vitally important to know is that marital intimacy is not supposed to be done in a serious or solemn manner. On the contrary, it must be done with maximum joy, pleasure, and passion.
Of course, it is only natural and normal that not all intimate experiences will be the same. As in every part of life, there are ups and downs. Sometimes its better, sometimes less so. There can also be disappointing experiences. It’s part of life, and part of the learning and growth experience that we are all meant to have. But what a couple should be aiming for is most certainly a mutually enjoyable experience.
The Rambam explicitly states that a couple should come to intimacy through mutual desire and joy[3]. Indeed, the Gemara in Brachos 62a says that when Rav (one of the greatest of the Amoraim, from the first generation thereof) would…
[1] Yoma 54a
[2] Sotah 17a
[3] Hilchos Ishus 15:17
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