We’re often told that happiness is a frame of mind, independent of external factors. But that’s not entirely true.
As soon as Hashem promised Yaakov that he’ll be with him through it all and take care of him, Yaakov “lifted his feet” to continue on his way. The Sages explain this to mean that his heart lifted his feet.
In other words, because he felt light-hearted, he also felt light on his feet. The Sages are clearly telling us that the external factor of Hashem’s promise had a direct impact on Yaakov avinu’s state of mind.
I once read a story about how Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l dealt with his wife’s passing. In addition to being known as the pre-eminent posek of the generation, Rav Elyashiv was also known as the greatest masmid of the generation. For decades, he closeted himself in a private beis medrash so that he could learn undisturbed through almost every waking hour.
Shortly after the shiva, a family member noticed Rav Elyashiv trying to rally himself. “Life has to go on,” he said under his breath. With that, he embraced his sefer and resumed his rigorous learning as he had always done.
Except that he didn’t really.
Of course, as we all know, Rav Elyashiv continued being the quintessential gadol b’Torah – both in psak halacha as well as in hasmada – for the rest of his life. He remained, to his last breath, an absolutely towering gadol b’Torah. But, this close family member claimed, something did change. Something was different. It wasn’t with the same degree of zest and verve as it had been so long as his life’s partner was alive.
And that shouldn’t in any way surprise us. After all, the Sages tell us that a man who dwells without a wife is without goodness, support, joy, blessing…
A different great Torah sage who was sitting shiva for his wife grew very agitated when someone tried to console him in a way that he found utterly objectionable. The consoler pointed out that the sage’s wife had been very ill for many years, and the bright side of things is that he was now relieved of the burden of her care. The sage became extremely upset at that comment and asked the person to leave. “I sit here as a broken vessel,” the sage commiserated with those who remained, “and he is trying to console me by telling me I should be happy that I no longer have to care for my sick wife?!”
Of course, there is a grieving process that hopefully will culminate with the bereaved individual eventually regaining his or her emotional equilibrium and once again being able to enjoy life and live it to its fullest.
But the idea that happiness should be viewed as entirely disconnected from the conditions of life does not seem to reflect reality, nor does it seem to be Torah based.
Without a doubt, happiness is very much dependent on how a person perceives the reality in which he lives and the Torah makes it clear that cultivating happiness is an avodah that we are meant to deliberately engage in; but to say that external factors should have no bearing on a person’s emotional state seems entirely unfounded.
And this can have an important, practical bearing.
Sometimes, an individual struggling with unhappiness may believe that it is all in his head when, in reality, his emotional state may have a lot more to do with the external factors of his life than something amiss in his frame of mind. What can feel like depression may actually be a completely reasonable reaction to the difficult state of affairs that a person finds himself in.
Yaakov avinu was on the run, escaping from the murderous intentions of his brother. Along the way, as the Sages tell us, he was robbed of all his possessions. He cried when he first met Rachel, explains Rashi, because he came emptyhanded. Whereas his grandfather’s servant came laden with jewelry and delicacies, he appeared as a penniless pauper.
His tears of sadness were not the result of some flaw in his frame of mind, they were the perfectly reasonable outgrowth of his pitiable situation.
Sometimes it is indeed the frame of mind and pathways of perception that one ought to be working on in order to regain a sense of happiness in life. But, other times, it is the situation that needs work. Because, as it turns out, sometimes happiness can depend on external factors.